No Surprise With Robot Eyes: Microsoft Awarded Patent For Emotion-Revealing Glasses

It's no surprise anymore that things in this brave new world can't remain private.  Your papers, property, and person are one thing, but what happens when you willingly enter the public eye, and that public eye is now equipped with glasses that can read your emotions?

Uh, future?  Can we just go focus on space travel or something?
This is creepy.
(Image courtesy dailymail.co.uk.)

According to the Wall Street Journal's Law Blog, this spooky surreality could be scanning you soon.  Microsoft has recently been awarded a patent for wearable smart glasses, similar to the much-maligned Google Glass, but with an extra (and extra-sensory) twist:  they can detect what you're feeling.

The glasses are internet-enabled because of course, what would the future be without internet on every possible surface you can gaze at or through?  However, they can also detect shifts in vocal pitch, body heat, and other "emotional analytics" that make everyone from the NSA to your garage-poker buddies get a little extra excited (likely so much so that you probably wouldn't even need the glasses to detect it.)

Of course, the barrier between quantifying "elation" and "white-chick-wasted"
is still a difficult delineation.
(Image courtesy phonearena.com.)

Onboard sensors and microphones assess aspects of your mark's speech, like word choice and speed, as well as physical elements like body posture, gesture frequency and force, and even eye focus.  These metrics are assessed through a Microsoft database and slung back to your eye-screens to let you know if that border guard is suspicious of you, or if that hottie at the bar is actually just faking her interest in your piranha collection, or whatever you're trying to deduce, you extra-sensory spy, you.

Don't worry if you think you missed spotting something: the glasses offer 360-degree information.  Data can also be shared with other users, in case you're not already utterly overwhelmed with your fly-eye-like face-feed.

"FEED ME MORE FEELINGS!  MORE!  I THIRST FOR YOUR EMOTIONS!"
(Image courtesy animal-kid.com.)

Microsoft may or may not actually be developing the glasses.  They just want you to know that they can.  One spokeswoman said, “Microsoft regularly applies for and receives patents as part of its business practice; not all patents applied for or received will be incorporated into a Microsoft product.”

So enjoy your hedged interview credentials while you can. Revel in those secret crushes before a pair of computer glasses crush your attempt at hiding it any longer. Let those whom you love know it, because soon, they'll easily be able to spot if you're not really on board with that. And for science's sake, quit lying about quitting smoking...not only did your sister's boyfriend's boss's secretary catch you in the rearview of her 360-vision and share it via the cloud, but you also smell like Camels (don't think version 2.0 won't have a sniffer, too.)  This is the future. This is for your...best?

Human #702:  "I am pleased to see you."
Human #704:  "I know."
Human #706:  "I am Richard Nixon and not a crook.  Seriously, check your glasses, it's true."
(Image courtesy venturebeat.com.)