I Only Have i's For You: Is The Apple Watch The Fruit Of All Knowledge? (iGadgetry Release, Part Two)

The gods have spoken, the skies have parted, and the now-immortal Apple Watch has descended from the heavens to grace your wrist like a miracle on a (obviously customizable and interchangeable) watch strap.  Your precious iShinything will never be more than a glance away.

As reported by theverge.com, Apple's Tim Cook describes the watch as a "comprehensive health and fitness device" - that's right, the damn doodad could change you from slacker to lip-smacker.  Chart your heart rate or sleeping habits and monitor other fitness stats like steps taken and calories burned (so you can learn exactly how much better it is for you to walk to Dunkin' Donuts instead of drive.)  It'll even warn you if you've been sitting too long.  Yes, the brilliant Apple Watch can function as your mom, telling you to go outside.

The innovative Taptic Engine can tell the difference between a tap and a press (called "Force Touch", which sounds like the Apple Watch maybe wants to be mounted to a leather bondage cuff), allowing for your fondling to give it extra special commands (effectively recreating the "right click" element of a mouse...or a particularly sensitive wrist-mounted love slave.)

The input mechanics offer a Digital Crown that enables zooming, scrolling, and navigation, sans obstruction of the main display.  The display itself is a flexible Retina panel, laminated to the popular high-end watch covering of sapphire crystal.  The Guardian UK reports some neat variations on the watch's style, among other things.

Siri's there (that bitch is everywhere...she'll buzz your wrist and tell you where to turn.)  Maps are there.  Tunes are there.  Obviously.  It also has Bluetooth to beam your soundtrack to other devices around you.

Onboard Facebook, Twitter, email, blah blah blah.  What about something NEW?  How about Apple Pay, which acts like a credit card that only requires a touch of the watch to receptive payment systems?  You're like a sultan - simply grab and item and touch the till on your way out - those organic apples are now yours, sans any unnecessary human interaction.

Fascinatingly, the Apple Watch can be charged inductively, meaning you don't need to plug it in.  This development will likely spur on other breakthroughs for technology that was formerly required to be wired.

Oh, and it tells time to a universal standard.  So you know exactly how much of it you've been wasting, messing around with your aggravatingly awesome new Apple Watch.

How else are you supposed to tell time in the future?

BTW, this is what some of the rest of the world looks like, in case you stop noticing.