I Only Have i's For You: Apple Unveils Latest iGadgetry (Part One)

It's like Christmas for the computer crowd.  Today, Apple is releasing not only their sixth and latest version of the iPhone, but also a rumored iWatch product that will make its popular technology more portable (because you weren't dithering with enough iSchwag already.)  Here are some of the new features you get to enjoy while phasing out all of humanity around you.

-According to the telegraph.co.uk, the iPhone has been hailed as "the world's most popular camera."  The iPhone 6 will now feature advanced image stabilization with exceptional low-light capabilities (for all those various and vilifying bar images that you'll end up deleting lest they end up on social media.)

-The camera also has the capacity to shoot at 240 frames per second, making it all the more easy to be extraordinarily creepy as you sneak photos of hotties on the subway.

-The 8-megapixel camera has "focus pixels", which are extra important to help make sure all your illicit imagery is crystal clear - your nudie-questing hackers will thank you.

-An integrated M8 motion chip and barometer work in conjunction with a new onboard health app or Nike's fitness app to maybe someday give you all sorts of data on the exercise you swear you'll do tomorrow.

-Worldwide cell service providers have teamed up to make your iPhone 6 able to complete calls over any 4G network, voice-over-LTE, and voice-over-WiFi.  Every single person at the NSA was reported to be seen malevolently drumming their fingers together and orgasmically murmuring, "Exxxcellent."

-Onscreen multi-tasking, because god forbid your ADD not get its fix.  Also, double the transistors of the iPhone 5 (2 BILLION!) making a 25% faster CPU and 50% faster graphics.  MORE CAT GIFS.  RIGHT NOW.  FASTER.  MORE.

-A record-breaking size:  6.5 mm of sleek sexy slimness, because even if Americans can't be svelte, our tech toys can be!

-Oh, and 1.3 million apps.  No big deal.  We've come a long way since phones only carried onboard Snake.  Is there a modern Snake app to be had, for old time's sake?  Maybe some Tetris?  This technological whirlwind shouldn't eradicate the simpler elegances of life.  WAIT A SECOND, IT PLAYS GAMES IN HIGHER RESOLUTION THAN CONSOLES.  SCREW SNAKE AND THOSE STUPID RUSSIAN BRICKS.

Pre-sale starts Friday, plebes.  Too bad you weren't in the line outside the Apple store in NYC.  It started last week.

Once rumors of the fabled "iWatch" wearable are confirmed, more information will be posted here.  Watch (iWatch?) this space.

That's evolution, baby.