Who The {Redacted} Thinks This Is A Good Idea? New App Censors "Inappropriate" Literature

It may have fallen somewhat by the wayside as the smut-and-gore smorgasbord of the internet has risen to prominence for entertainment, but those who read enough literature know the truth:  books get fucking dirty.  We're not talking the suburban-submission swill of the "Fifty Shades..." fuddy-duddies, oh no.  There is stuff out there - published from antiquity to this afternoon - that is straight-up scorch-smut, enough to make you drop your jaws, books, and pants all at the same time.

So of course, some special snowflake wants to take that away from you.

(Image courtesy www.downtrend.com.)

According to npr.com, a new e-reader app called "Clean Reader" was invented by two parents in Idaho, who apparently thought they were keeping children and proper adults safe by e-editing out all of the profanity in books their kid got ahold of.

"The naughty words are eating my brain!
THEY'RE EATING MY CHRISTFUCKING BRAIN!!!"
(Image courtesy www.wisegeek.org.)

Jared and Kirsten Maughan, the Blackhawk-helicopter-caliber parents in question, claim their daughter was offended by material in a class-assigned book. They then sought out an app to replace the vulgarities with something a little more vanilla.  Finding that none existed, they created Clean Reader.

Because discipline is best wrought in ever-escalating strata of strictness, the app features three levels of sanitation:  "Clean", "Cleaner", and "Squeaky Clean."  The app also sold unedited e-books and took a cut of the profits, because you know, that's a wicked fucking clean business plan.

SQUEAKY FLIPPIN' CLEAN, YOU SILLY-BILLIES.
(Image courtesy www.neuroticsingles.com.)

"Chocolat" author Joanne Harris decried the dirt-removal, saying, "Well, we've been down this road before. We should know where it leads by now. It starts with blanking out a few words. It goes on to drape table legs and stick fig leaves on to statues. It progresses to denouncing gay or Jewish artists as 'degenerate'. It ends with burning libraries and erasing whole civilizations from history."  Perhaps a bit of a slippery-slope argument, except that history has repeatedly seen enough book (and full library) burnings to make the idea resonate with readers.

Hey, human figure, you too!  Stop being beautifully rendered in your natural state, and stuff!
(Image courtesy www.theartofed.com.)

The Maughans liken their clean-freak creation to a customer who desires substitutions in their meal at a restaurant.  As though paying for any form of art means you get to control it.  What the Maughans neglected to consider was that this is a mass-market of material that is specifically to be consumed in a certain form, like beer versus isopropyl alcohol.  It's not a commission that they've paid to the authors to create a special series of sanitized works just for them.

After backlash from a host of authors and other fans of naughtiness, the bookstore section of the app has been removed.  Further changes are also in store.  About fucking time.

Enough said.
(Image courtesy www.englishmajorhumor.com.)